In the room the women come and go talking of Michelangelo.

[caithream]

I've been feeling mopey and antisocial and so utterly lonely lately, hence the no posting, crawling into a nice little cave and feeling sorry for myself in only the way that I know how. I don't see any of my friends anymore. At all. My best friend of over 15 years and his girlfriend, also known as The Couple Who Makes Me Vomit, hasn't contacted me in well over a month, and hell if I'm going to be the one to invite myself to whatever the hell they're doing. Everyone else is... I don't even know. My one friend who does hang out with me (however sporadicly) is leaving for Greece for two months on Wednesday. I'm suffocating in my routine with no outside contact except for the people at work, and I love my family so much but I need to get out of here. I need responsibility and screw-ups and homesickness because I'm so stuck in a rut it almost brings me to tears. I could have moved out, very very much could have, but I need, need so damn bad to go to England next summer and study abroad. I am sick with want to travel. If I was going this summer I'd be leaving for England tomorrow. I wish I had. But. Not enough money. Next year though, I swear to God, I'll take out a loan if I have to, I NEED to go.

And then. And then commence with the moving out and being on my own for the first time ever, and the only reason I'm dying to do it now is, hey, maybe I could actually find some new friends?

After twelve plus years of going to school together you'd think everything would still be cool. Well. It was for the better part of a year and a half. And then everything just kind of slid down hill and I'm sitting at home trying not to cry like an idiot because I feel so fucking alone it makes my chest hurt.

Is it really so selfish to want a significant other so bad? I have all the love I want, right here, with my own family, and yet it isn't enough. I'm twenty. I have the right to want this. I feel like an idiot. I really do.

I can't tell anybody anything and God help me I don't even know why. I just lock everything up until I'm so miserable I have a breakdown and still nothing get solved because I can't even talk about why. I'm so emotionally retarded it's a wonder my parents haven't thrown me out yet. I mope and get pissed off and depressed and don't talk for hours and then slowly come out of it, and if my parents ask me why I say, "Nothing." Of course, nothing. I'm lonely as HELL and I can't tell you that because then you'll want to know why and I'm not going to give you why. Why doesn't matter. Just take it that I am and there's nothing I can do about it. And if there's nothing I can do about it, then why talk about it? And that's my logic. It's astounding, really.

I'm stuck for a year in this routine because I'm fucking patient, or something, and poor, so. Not much I can do about it except more moping and feeling sorry for myself. That and drowning myself in literature. That's always good.

I seriously hate myself for even writing all this. I don't need sympathy. I just don't, you know, want to have that breakdown. So after this I'm back to stuffing it all down and Not Talking About It. The end.

Also, my sister is leaving early this coming morning to go on a missions trip to HAITI, and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared out of my mind, because, hello, HAITI. I've done a good job distracting myself from being worried, but yeah, now... sigh.

In other news, this is Jensen Ackles:



He makes my PANTS catch of fire.

Comments

[idril-telrunya.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I know you said Not Talking About It. The end. but I just wanted to say *and you don't have to say anything* it will be ok. Loneliness totally sucks and the only thing you can do about it is put yourself out there. Where, I don't know lol but somewhere. Talk to people every where you go. The supermarket, walmart, the bookstores, the mall, where ever it is that you go, talk to people. If you see a cute guy say hi! You don't have to do anything other then that. Start with the little things and it will all come together. It won't seem to help at first but just keep trying. What you are going through is totally normal. Sucks growing up don't it? LOL It's just natures way of telling you its time to leave the nest and start your own life.

It has NOTHING to do with YOU why your friends have all but dissapeared from the face of the planet. Just so you know. If you want to see your Best Friend, you should contact him in some way. Don't let the Couple That Makes You Vomit (which is hilarious btw) stop you from seeing him. If you miss him, just call and say hi.

I know this doesn't help because I am not there lol but I love you and I would hang out with you all the time. In fact I would probably annoy you because I'd be like LETS HANG all the damn time. And we'd meet some fun people lol AND YOU'RE GONNA BE HERE IN 51 DAYS AND YOU WILL HAVE TRAVELED AND WE WILL HAVE SO MUCH FUN OMG! Things will seriously get better. I swear.

And THANK YOU! Now I need to change my underwear and take a cold shower... How come he is sooooooo perfect?

[caithream.livejournal.com]

It's just natures way of telling you its time to leave the nest and start your own life.

I think, maybe, that's it. I'm scared, so utterly, nauseously scared to just up and jump out of the home I've been living in for the past twenty years, but I kind of feel like I'm slowly going insane. More than anything, I don't want it to be a "grass in greener on the other side" sort of thing. I'm so thankful for what I have and yet. Unhappy. That sounds pretty selfish to me. :(

I'm so sorry that you guys have to listen to me whining all the time, and I so heartily appreciate everything, I really do. And honestly? Thinking about Utah is doing WONDERS for me. I'M SO EXCITING I CAN BARELY STAND IT. !!!!!!!!

♥♥♥♥

[idril-telrunya.livejournal.com]

Well as long as you know the grass isn't greener persay, it's more its just different grass! HAHAHAHA You can be thankful and unhappy at the same time. Being unhappy isn't that you don't appreciate everything just that it's time for something different. There is nothing wrong with that. Just because you are ready for your own life doesn't mean you don't appreciate your family. And I am sure they won't see it that way either. You can't live there forever! Start saving up, and look for places to go! Or see if you can stay in the Dorms or something. Who knows?

Don't be sorry! That is why we are here! I know we don't know each other IRL but that doesn't mean you aren't my friend! That's what friends do.

WHOOHOOO UTAH!!! I CAN'T WAIT OMG!!!

<33333 x infinity

[stargazertook.livejournal.com]

Ooh, totally got distracted by Chrissy's comment. Dude, I totally agree with her. He's your friend, damnit, give him a call. Seriously you've got to keep up your friendship with him as it was if you want to hold on to it. Okay, enough psycho-babble from me.

*wipes drool from Jensen's pic*

Oh, so THAT'S Jensen, I see. *wipe wipe*

*extinguishes your pants*

I LOVE YOU SARAH!

[caithream.livejournal.com]

Oh goodness, this is like high school drama, gah, SORRY, but, I know, but... they're the one's who're hanging out together, and on the rare occasions that we do hang out anymore... I feel like I'm getting these glances like I'm the one interrupting their hang-out time. It goes way beyond feeling like the third wheel. It's downright uncomfortable. And I just. As much as I love him as a friend, both of them, I just... can't put myself through that anymore. I kind of feel childish, but I just feel like anymore, if they want to hang out, they can call. But I seriously don't know if I'm doing the right thing anymore.

Anyway anyway. I so do appreciate it, and I LOVE YOU SO MUCH TOO. You guys are too, too good for me. ♥♥♥♥

[magikalrhiannon.livejournal.com]

I agree. Phone him. It always takes two to tango and you have a phone too. I'm notoriously bad at keeping contact with people, mainly because I just plain forget to call when I should because I'm easily distracted. I don't know if your mate is the same or whatever, but if you want to talk to him/hang out, he ain't gonna know unless you tell him!

*SMUSHES* I love that you can open your heart, pour out all that you feel and what's getting you down and then post a pic of Jen and say he makes your pants catch fire. That's just *plubs*. Makes me love you infinitely.

Loneliness is a sneaky bastard. Even when you do have a S.O., you can get lonely. Won't say much more on that. Sometimes it helps just to say BLAH this is how I feel - don't say anything about it just let it be out there. I know when I did that I felt a little better.

Still loves you to death though. *MWAH*

[stargazertook.livejournal.com]

Even when you do have a S.O., you can get lonely.

OMG so true!

(If it wasn't true, you and I probably wouldn't fangirl as much as we do, right? Hehe.)

[magikalrhiannon.livejournal.com]

oh totally. I mean you can never get everything you need from one other person. That's why we have friends and family, right?

[caithream.livejournal.com]

The frustrating thing is that I tried. Though maybe not hard enough? Any time it's just me and them, they definitely make me feel like I'm intruding on their time, and then there's the whole makey-outy business while I'm standing right there and... yeah. I feel like I'm just... waiting.

Aw, hee! Well I do love him so OVERWHELMINGLY MUCH, I couldn't help myself. :D

I guess that's true, and I can't help but think that horomones are spurring it on as well, but... still. Never having a boyfriend ever is just kind of... not cool.

I love YOU to death. *Clings!* ♥♥♥♥

[magikalrhiannon.livejournal.com]

so why not tell him you want to hang out with just him for a couple of hours?

and who doesn't? and if they don't they should. because he's the most awe-inspiring, achingly beautiful man in the entire freaking universe. I want to lick every single freckle on his face. Mmmmmmmmmmmm.

*CLINGS BACK*

[forgotten-pixie.livejournal.com]

*Much hugs* I was lonely for my firt time of uni and it sucked bad, and I didn't talk to anyone about it so I feel like I kinda know how you feel. Maybe join a few clubs? I think thats a good way to meet people. I agree with what the people before me said, you should call your best friend. I'm sure he'd be thrilled to hear from you, and is probably feeling the same way about it as you are.

Also, if you don't feel like you can say anything about this to people in your day to day life, totally vent to us on LJ and don't feel bad about it!

[caithream.livejournal.com]

Sigh. Yeah, he might. But, you know, me feeling childish and sorry for myself, I want him to be the one to pick up the phone. But I just might miss my opportunity if I do. :(

Aww, well I kind of do! Isn't that ridiculous? I know it's my own LJ, but I still feel like I shouldn't, as most of the time my LJ is just a playground for fandom. But, hey, as long as I have y'all's assurance that you're not gonna run away in disgust.... ;D ♥!!!

[falterfrei.livejournal.com]

*huggles you* I know everyone here has already said "I know how you feel," but I think the reason most of us do is because you're not alone in your loneliness. I know I've been there. I remember sitting on my living room couch while my mom and stepdad exchanged helpless looks, bawling my eyes out because all my friends just go away and I hate being alone and there must be something wrong with me. Remember, just because your age doesn't still end in -teen doesn't mean that you're all done with the mopiness and the moodiness and the hormonalness that is the teenage years. That's still going on, and it doesn't help, I know.

Also, having an S.O., like Wendy said, doesn't make the loneliness go away automatically. When I was in high school, I just wanted desperately for someone to notice me, and I was just yearning to be loved... and then a 24-year-old noticed me, and you know the rest of the story from there. Having a boyfriend (or girlfriend, or however you roll :P) doesn't magically solve everything, unfortunately. I mean, at first, you get all caught up in the NRE (New Relationship Energy) and the rest of the world goes away for awhile, but then that fades, and honestly, all you *really* have in the end is yourself, and if you don't love yourself, then it doesn't matter how many boyfriends you have, they're not going to *make* you happy.

And speaking of being caught up in NRE and the rest of the world disappearing... that's probably where your friend is. It's not that he doesn't care; he's just in his own world right now, involved in the CTMYV, and he just needs a little reminder that you're still there. Who knows, maybe he's sitting there right now, going "You know, Sarah hasn't contacted me in over a month. I wonder what's going on with her? I wonder if she's mad at me?"

*Plubby mwahs* You're adorable, by the way. I think there's usually a natural progression of things after high school, and a lot of people tend to just go their seperate ways. Its why the college experience is so unique... everyone's missing their high school friends, and when they move into the dorm, they find new friends. I know you still live with your parents, but you do go to college classes, right? I would see if you can organize a study group or something. It would help you make connections with people beyond just sitting in a classroom with them.

Ahahaha.... I feel the sudden urge to make a "liar, liar, pants on fire" joke, but you're not lying when you say he's just so damned beautiful that its almost not fair.

[caithream.livejournal.com]

I've always struggled with this, but now I understand more that it's because I don't open myself up to others, or throw on mask after mask of who I'm supposed to be that day, though, for the life of me, I can't understand why. It certainly doesn't help with everything. :(

Oh, NRE. How I long for it. Not to be, you know, like The Couple Who Makes Me Vomit, but still. I completely understand all that, though, because no matter how much I get I'm still going to want, because, hello, selfish! It's really really nice to daydream about, though.

everyone's missing their high school friends, and when they move into the dorm, they find new friends.

Eeek, yes. That's part of my problem. My school is an hour away from me, so any bonds formed, if any, would just kind of... dissapate pretty quickly, I'd imagine. I feel like I'm missing the college "experience" by not living on or near campus, but, hey, that comes senior year, and I'm trying as hard as I can to be patient right now. :\

Heee, INDEED. I seriously don't even know what to do, sometimes.

*LOVES YOU* ♥♥♥♥♥

[falterfrei.livejournal.com]

You know, you can always decide to not wear the masks anymore. I used to always ask myself, whenever anyone asked me a question, what the answer was that they wanted to hear. Half the time I ended up getting it wrong anyway, and it distanced me so much from whatever it was that *I* wanted that it took me six months after I left my ex before I even felt comfortable making decisions for myself again - even stupidly simple ones, like what to get to eat or what to do for an afternoon. The only person you need to worry about pleasing is yourself... remember, you're the one who has to live with yourself for the rest of your life. Stop asking yourself what you're *supposed* to do and say, and start doing and saying what is true for you.

I know that its easier said than done... believe me, I've been there, too. I think a lot of the trouble stems from the low self-esteem issues. You don't think your opinions or wants or needs or desires are important enough to be given priority. You don't see, or won't see, how truly sweet and exceptional and important and valuable you are. Let me say it again. You are sweet and exceptional and important and valuable. What you want *does* matter, and you deserve to get it, and since you're the only one who knows what it is you want, you're the only one who can get it for yourself.

*Loves on you*

Did you see the new chapter posted? Dedicated especially to you!

[caithream.livejournal.com]

Oh God Char, you just kind of... hit so close to home it's ridiculous. I'm always so bent out of shape trying to please everyone else that I don't even know what I want to do with myself most of the time. I have absolutely zero self-esteem, so I make up for it in making absolutely positively sure that no one hates me for what I do, whether it be at work or at home or online or whatever.

You don't think your opinions or wants or needs or desires are important enough to be given priority.

They aren't. That's... fuck. That's exactly what it is, and I don't think it's going to stop any time soon, and seeing it written out is just... I don't even know. But I'm seriously... I don't deserve you guys' concern and help, and, okay, I'm kind of crying a little bit now, don't tell anyone! Thank you, babe.

Hee, I did! I have to pop in the shower real quick, and of ALL THE NIGHTS that I want to chat the most, I have to be at work at 7:30 tomorrow morning, which is so uncool. But definitely reserve a spot for me there tomorrow night. :D ♥ x forever!

[falterfrei.livejournal.com]

See, that's a little bit of what concerns me... that you admit that you have zero self esteem, and you want a boyfriend so badly... I know that on some level, maybe even subconsciously, you are thinking that having a guy who likes you will give you more worth or will make you happy or less lonely.

That can be a recipie for disaster. First of all, there are a lot of guys out there who will take advantage of a girl who maybe doesn't think she's the greatest... that's how I got stuck in an abusive relationship... he had me convinced that no one else would ever put up with me. Five years I was with him until I finally decided that, even if no one else ever wanted to be with me, I would rather be alone forever than with him. Codependent relationships are born the same way... one person just desperately needs to feel needed, and the other person just wants someone who will take care of them. By definition, those aren't healthy relationships.

If you want my honest opinion, I think you need to work on your self-esteem before you even think of getting into a relationship. I've been down that road, and while it's made me who I am and I wouldn't change the journey... I also wouldn't wish it on anyone else. You need to realize that you are both loved and lovable, worthy and worthwhile and valuable and beautiful and wonderful and what you want does deserve to be given priority. If the response to your post has shown you anything, its that a lot of people care about you and love you and think that you're worth it. So if you don't think you're worth it, you're either wrong or ALL OF US are idiots. Which do you think is more likely, mmmm?

Of course, the little ironies of the universe work in such a way that, as soon as you start to love yourself and become okay with the idea of being single (which doesn't necessarily mean being alone, because, hello, you still have all of us, and friends are worthwhile too, right?)... then you will find that there are handsome, eligible men crawling out of the woodwork. You tell the universe, "I want a boyfriend," and the universe says, "Okay, you do," and gives you the experience of wanting a boyfriend. It's the mechanism of the universe... the way to get something is to give it away, because once you give it to someone else, then you realize that you've had it all along. If you want something, then you are saying you don't have it, so then the universe plays along and pretends with you that you don't have it.

Your secret is safe with me, hee. Hope to see you on tonight!

[falterfrei.livejournal.com]

and the italics got all effed up. Sorry about that.

[caithream.livejournal.com]

Believe me, I am very very wary, and I don't mean it to sound this way, after what I heard happened to you, and it frightens me more than a little bit that I might go the same way. But I am trying SO HARD to bring back up my self-esteem. It was pretty much destroyed in middle school (I mean, duh, right?), and I've worked very hard to, haha, um, mold myself into what society would think would be best. I've lost a lot of weight, gotten more into fashion, blah blah, all physical and external stuff that just makes me feel better on the outside. Which is... pure stupidity, but... I honestly can't help it. And now, when I'm finally feeling really good about myself on the outside, now I'm thinking there's something wrong with the inside. It's like some kind of stupid never ending cycle.

Oh, the ironies of the universe. I'm sure it would go that way. So hard to let go, though. Self-pity, and all that. Good thing I have wonderful, wonderful people like you to kick my butt back into business, or at least try. Just talking about it, at least, makes me feel a lot better than I have in a while. Least I can do is thank you for listening. :D ♥

[falterfrei.livejournal.com]

Um, okay. I have a tape set on Building Self-Esteem by Jack Canfield that I'd like to give you. Ummm.... do you have a cassette player? Otherwise I guess it would be pretty pointless, I guess.

See, the problem is that you keep focusing on what's wrong with you. The secret is to focus on what's *right* with you. When you wake up in the morning, come up with ten things that you like about yourself. Then when you can do that, come up with twenty. Or come up with ten reason you are TEH AWESOME or ten things you absolutely adore about yourself. The point is to LOVE yourself and know that you are worth loving. It's not about fixing what you think is wrong with you, its about accepting you for who you are and knowing that you are PERFECT, flaws and all. When I say perfect, I don't mean "I never need to change, ever, because I am better than everyone else and I am perfect," I mean "I am perfect just the way I am because I am just what I am supposed to be. I will change, but I will still be perfect." It doesn't mean you can't ever change anything about yourself. It just means that you are *always* perfect and there's no need to get down on yourself for any perceived flaws.

[la-victorienne.livejournal.com]

♥♥♥

you, of course, deserve to not be lonely.

(i know this feeling too.)





*fans the flames*

[caithream.livejournal.com]

*Flappy HANDS*

Not fair, NOT FAIR. WHY CAN'T I HAVE THAT.

I HEART YOU, dearest, and I very much want to take a roadtrip to visit you. ♥♥♥♥

[giventofly37.livejournal.com]

Oh, hun, half of what you said there is like, directly out of my life. It sucks, don't it? I'd love to give you some pearl of wisdom, but you know how crap I am at giving advice. Regardless: you know I'm always here for you, right? Because I am. For realsies. ♥


And because I feel obligated:


Hang in there, babe. ♥

[caithream.livejournal.com]

I do not DESERVE you guys' wonderfulness. Seriously. I'm just a whiny baby. ♥♥♥♥

UNFFFFF. Seriously my favorite cap OF ALL TIME. (I like thinking about that little dip in his lower back A LOT.)

[random-serious.livejournal.com]

Honey... I know talking about it (or anything) is hard, and if you can't do that, you can't do that. And I know that this won't make a difference (I am the queen of moral hangovers about opening up, so I get where you are coming from, or I'd like to think I do.), but please, don't regret writing this. Opening up is really difficult, but needed sometimes.

As for friends, or lack thereof/ lack of contact I find myself in the same position, and I have no solutions... I've, for myself, have been thinking about getting a new hobby, or getting incolved in an old one... Would that kind of thing work for you? It would help meating like-minded people, who could potentially become new friends, so... It really sucks how people just migrate out of each others lives. Yes, one would think that sharing 12 + years/ any years would make everything cool, and it would mean keeping in touch, but apperently not. (At least that is my experience.) But I would like to think re-connecting is possible (even if it is slightly humiliating sometimes/ feels like one is intruding, but the possible pay-off...)

As for SO: I don't think it's wrong to want one, nor it is wrong to not feel "fulfilled" or whatnot by the love your family gives you. I'm sure there are a lot of people who would love to meet you.

I wish you luck and strenght, and please vent on LJ, at least: no face-to-face might make talking easier. Hang tight. This time will pass, and better times will come.

And I wish your sister a safe trip to Haiti.

*hugs*

[caithream.livejournal.com]

but please, don't regret writing this. Opening up is really difficult, but needed sometimes.

I've kind of... and okay, this is going to sound so stupid, but I've almost been really really needing someone to tell me this. Because I regret ALL of the rants or whatever I post all the time but don't exactly have the heart to delete them. And I hate to obligate y'all to don your Sympathy Hats and listen to my whining, so, yeah. Really. Just, thanks. ♥

A new hobby would be good, perhaps. Intarwebs are wonderful, but shouldn't be the thing that takes up all my time. I will have to think about this.

I'm sure there are a lot of people who would love to meet you.

I really do hope so. I seriously cannot thank you enough for all of this. ♥♥♥♥♥♥

[random-serious.livejournal.com]

Hey, the way I see it, sympathy hats and occasional pr0n is what the interwebs are for ;) And also, I get where you are coming from: as said, I gt moal hangovers over any kind of opening up, so... but doesn't mean opening up is bad.

As for rl friends... the interwebs eats all my time too (partially because I am such a hermit), and it's hard to find time/ energy for rl encounters such as hobbies, but the way I see it, hobbies are really the only option, unless you want to try and make frineds out of co-workers, which... necessarily not a good idea.

Now, you just need to find something that interests you hobby-wise.

Everything is gonna turn out OK, sooner or later.

*hugs*

[heybritney.livejournal.com]

hey.
Wow, that really sucks. I've been there, too. I think everyone who left comments has. I know it's not easy to go out and just magically make friends, I'm not really that type either. But I guess you have to start somewhere. Forcing yourself to talk to people, hang out with them, whatever. It's hard because even when you're hanging out with people, you don't really feel un-lonely until you get close to them, but you never know who might actually have potential as a good, long-lasting friendship. So you just have to hang out with as many people as you can, from college, from whereever. It may help to take a smaller class, like an art class or something, where you can hang out with someone on a more day-to-day basis and get to know them; you can't really get to know people in a lecture hall.
And yes, I know exactly what you mean about the S.O. I got lucky with mine, but I think the trick is to get out there and give people a chance you wouldn't normally give a chance, because they might just surprise you. But you also have to have your own life and happiness, or you'll drain the relationship. Whoever that other person ends up being, they are there to help you in whatever you need. But it can be very draining if you're depressed and closed off from the rest of the world. My best friend was involved in a relationship like that, and it totally tore him apart. So don't be too frustrated by it, it will come when you're ready.

[caithream.livejournal.com]

I should, I really should try to just get out there, but, I have this whole shy thing going on too, and yeah. It gets a little difficult. :(

But you also have to have your own life and happiness, or you'll drain the relationship.

That is exactly it, I think. I've seen too many of my friends being totally wound around into each other that nothing else seems to matter, and I don't want to be that type of person. I want to have my own life and share it with That Someone. But goodness, I hope it comes soon. Hee.

♥♥♥♥

[heybritney.livejournal.com]

Yeah, the shy thing is tough. I'm somewhat similar, I will admit. so. yeah.
But it's not even getting too wound up with each other, but, more that if one person is really lonely or whatever and relies solely on their partner to make them happy or for their social life, particularly while they are depressed or feeling down or whatever.
But I think the key with the shyness is little steps. Try little things step by step, little by little. Start talking to people, and just work your way up little by little, and spend more and more time. it'll take a long time, but hopefully, eventually, you'll get there. (: