In the room the women come and go talking of Michelangelo.

[caithream]

I've been feeling mopey and antisocial and so utterly lonely lately, hence the no posting, crawling into a nice little cave and feeling sorry for myself in only the way that I know how. I don't see any of my friends anymore. At all. My best friend of over 15 years and his girlfriend, also known as The Couple Who Makes Me Vomit, hasn't contacted me in well over a month, and hell if I'm going to be the one to invite myself to whatever the hell they're doing. Everyone else is... I don't even know. My one friend who does hang out with me (however sporadicly) is leaving for Greece for two months on Wednesday. I'm suffocating in my routine with no outside contact except for the people at work, and I love my family so much but I need to get out of here. I need responsibility and screw-ups and homesickness because I'm so stuck in a rut it almost brings me to tears. I could have moved out, very very much could have, but I need, need so damn bad to go to England next summer and study abroad. I am sick with want to travel. If I was going this summer I'd be leaving for England tomorrow. I wish I had. But. Not enough money. Next year though, I swear to God, I'll take out a loan if I have to, I NEED to go.

And then. And then commence with the moving out and being on my own for the first time ever, and the only reason I'm dying to do it now is, hey, maybe I could actually find some new friends?

After twelve plus years of going to school together you'd think everything would still be cool. Well. It was for the better part of a year and a half. And then everything just kind of slid down hill and I'm sitting at home trying not to cry like an idiot because I feel so fucking alone it makes my chest hurt.

Is it really so selfish to want a significant other so bad? I have all the love I want, right here, with my own family, and yet it isn't enough. I'm twenty. I have the right to want this. I feel like an idiot. I really do.

I can't tell anybody anything and God help me I don't even know why. I just lock everything up until I'm so miserable I have a breakdown and still nothing get solved because I can't even talk about why. I'm so emotionally retarded it's a wonder my parents haven't thrown me out yet. I mope and get pissed off and depressed and don't talk for hours and then slowly come out of it, and if my parents ask me why I say, "Nothing." Of course, nothing. I'm lonely as HELL and I can't tell you that because then you'll want to know why and I'm not going to give you why. Why doesn't matter. Just take it that I am and there's nothing I can do about it. And if there's nothing I can do about it, then why talk about it? And that's my logic. It's astounding, really.

I'm stuck for a year in this routine because I'm fucking patient, or something, and poor, so. Not much I can do about it except more moping and feeling sorry for myself. That and drowning myself in literature. That's always good.

I seriously hate myself for even writing all this. I don't need sympathy. I just don't, you know, want to have that breakdown. So after this I'm back to stuffing it all down and Not Talking About It. The end.

Also, my sister is leaving early this coming morning to go on a missions trip to HAITI, and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared out of my mind, because, hello, HAITI. I've done a good job distracting myself from being worried, but yeah, now... sigh.

In other news, this is Jensen Ackles:



He makes my PANTS catch of fire.

Comments

[random-serious.livejournal.com]

Honey... I know talking about it (or anything) is hard, and if you can't do that, you can't do that. And I know that this won't make a difference (I am the queen of moral hangovers about opening up, so I get where you are coming from, or I'd like to think I do.), but please, don't regret writing this. Opening up is really difficult, but needed sometimes.

As for friends, or lack thereof/ lack of contact I find myself in the same position, and I have no solutions... I've, for myself, have been thinking about getting a new hobby, or getting incolved in an old one... Would that kind of thing work for you? It would help meating like-minded people, who could potentially become new friends, so... It really sucks how people just migrate out of each others lives. Yes, one would think that sharing 12 + years/ any years would make everything cool, and it would mean keeping in touch, but apperently not. (At least that is my experience.) But I would like to think re-connecting is possible (even if it is slightly humiliating sometimes/ feels like one is intruding, but the possible pay-off...)

As for SO: I don't think it's wrong to want one, nor it is wrong to not feel "fulfilled" or whatnot by the love your family gives you. I'm sure there are a lot of people who would love to meet you.

I wish you luck and strenght, and please vent on LJ, at least: no face-to-face might make talking easier. Hang tight. This time will pass, and better times will come.

And I wish your sister a safe trip to Haiti.

*hugs*

[caithream.livejournal.com]

but please, don't regret writing this. Opening up is really difficult, but needed sometimes.

I've kind of... and okay, this is going to sound so stupid, but I've almost been really really needing someone to tell me this. Because I regret ALL of the rants or whatever I post all the time but don't exactly have the heart to delete them. And I hate to obligate y'all to don your Sympathy Hats and listen to my whining, so, yeah. Really. Just, thanks. ♥

A new hobby would be good, perhaps. Intarwebs are wonderful, but shouldn't be the thing that takes up all my time. I will have to think about this.

I'm sure there are a lot of people who would love to meet you.

I really do hope so. I seriously cannot thank you enough for all of this. ♥♥♥♥♥♥

[random-serious.livejournal.com]

Hey, the way I see it, sympathy hats and occasional pr0n is what the interwebs are for ;) And also, I get where you are coming from: as said, I gt moal hangovers over any kind of opening up, so... but doesn't mean opening up is bad.

As for rl friends... the interwebs eats all my time too (partially because I am such a hermit), and it's hard to find time/ energy for rl encounters such as hobbies, but the way I see it, hobbies are really the only option, unless you want to try and make frineds out of co-workers, which... necessarily not a good idea.

Now, you just need to find something that interests you hobby-wise.

Everything is gonna turn out OK, sooner or later.

*hugs*