In the room the women come and go talking of Michelangelo.

[caithream]

I've been feeling mopey and antisocial and so utterly lonely lately, hence the no posting, crawling into a nice little cave and feeling sorry for myself in only the way that I know how. I don't see any of my friends anymore. At all. My best friend of over 15 years and his girlfriend, also known as The Couple Who Makes Me Vomit, hasn't contacted me in well over a month, and hell if I'm going to be the one to invite myself to whatever the hell they're doing. Everyone else is... I don't even know. My one friend who does hang out with me (however sporadicly) is leaving for Greece for two months on Wednesday. I'm suffocating in my routine with no outside contact except for the people at work, and I love my family so much but I need to get out of here. I need responsibility and screw-ups and homesickness because I'm so stuck in a rut it almost brings me to tears. I could have moved out, very very much could have, but I need, need so damn bad to go to England next summer and study abroad. I am sick with want to travel. If I was going this summer I'd be leaving for England tomorrow. I wish I had. But. Not enough money. Next year though, I swear to God, I'll take out a loan if I have to, I NEED to go.

And then. And then commence with the moving out and being on my own for the first time ever, and the only reason I'm dying to do it now is, hey, maybe I could actually find some new friends?

After twelve plus years of going to school together you'd think everything would still be cool. Well. It was for the better part of a year and a half. And then everything just kind of slid down hill and I'm sitting at home trying not to cry like an idiot because I feel so fucking alone it makes my chest hurt.

Is it really so selfish to want a significant other so bad? I have all the love I want, right here, with my own family, and yet it isn't enough. I'm twenty. I have the right to want this. I feel like an idiot. I really do.

I can't tell anybody anything and God help me I don't even know why. I just lock everything up until I'm so miserable I have a breakdown and still nothing get solved because I can't even talk about why. I'm so emotionally retarded it's a wonder my parents haven't thrown me out yet. I mope and get pissed off and depressed and don't talk for hours and then slowly come out of it, and if my parents ask me why I say, "Nothing." Of course, nothing. I'm lonely as HELL and I can't tell you that because then you'll want to know why and I'm not going to give you why. Why doesn't matter. Just take it that I am and there's nothing I can do about it. And if there's nothing I can do about it, then why talk about it? And that's my logic. It's astounding, really.

I'm stuck for a year in this routine because I'm fucking patient, or something, and poor, so. Not much I can do about it except more moping and feeling sorry for myself. That and drowning myself in literature. That's always good.

I seriously hate myself for even writing all this. I don't need sympathy. I just don't, you know, want to have that breakdown. So after this I'm back to stuffing it all down and Not Talking About It. The end.

Also, my sister is leaving early this coming morning to go on a missions trip to HAITI, and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared out of my mind, because, hello, HAITI. I've done a good job distracting myself from being worried, but yeah, now... sigh.

In other news, this is Jensen Ackles:



He makes my PANTS catch of fire.

Comments

[falterfrei.livejournal.com]

See, that's a little bit of what concerns me... that you admit that you have zero self esteem, and you want a boyfriend so badly... I know that on some level, maybe even subconsciously, you are thinking that having a guy who likes you will give you more worth or will make you happy or less lonely.

That can be a recipie for disaster. First of all, there are a lot of guys out there who will take advantage of a girl who maybe doesn't think she's the greatest... that's how I got stuck in an abusive relationship... he had me convinced that no one else would ever put up with me. Five years I was with him until I finally decided that, even if no one else ever wanted to be with me, I would rather be alone forever than with him. Codependent relationships are born the same way... one person just desperately needs to feel needed, and the other person just wants someone who will take care of them. By definition, those aren't healthy relationships.

If you want my honest opinion, I think you need to work on your self-esteem before you even think of getting into a relationship. I've been down that road, and while it's made me who I am and I wouldn't change the journey... I also wouldn't wish it on anyone else. You need to realize that you are both loved and lovable, worthy and worthwhile and valuable and beautiful and wonderful and what you want does deserve to be given priority. If the response to your post has shown you anything, its that a lot of people care about you and love you and think that you're worth it. So if you don't think you're worth it, you're either wrong or ALL OF US are idiots. Which do you think is more likely, mmmm?

Of course, the little ironies of the universe work in such a way that, as soon as you start to love yourself and become okay with the idea of being single (which doesn't necessarily mean being alone, because, hello, you still have all of us, and friends are worthwhile too, right?)... then you will find that there are handsome, eligible men crawling out of the woodwork. You tell the universe, "I want a boyfriend," and the universe says, "Okay, you do," and gives you the experience of wanting a boyfriend. It's the mechanism of the universe... the way to get something is to give it away, because once you give it to someone else, then you realize that you've had it all along. If you want something, then you are saying you don't have it, so then the universe plays along and pretends with you that you don't have it.

Your secret is safe with me, hee. Hope to see you on tonight!

[falterfrei.livejournal.com]

and the italics got all effed up. Sorry about that.

[caithream.livejournal.com]

Believe me, I am very very wary, and I don't mean it to sound this way, after what I heard happened to you, and it frightens me more than a little bit that I might go the same way. But I am trying SO HARD to bring back up my self-esteem. It was pretty much destroyed in middle school (I mean, duh, right?), and I've worked very hard to, haha, um, mold myself into what society would think would be best. I've lost a lot of weight, gotten more into fashion, blah blah, all physical and external stuff that just makes me feel better on the outside. Which is... pure stupidity, but... I honestly can't help it. And now, when I'm finally feeling really good about myself on the outside, now I'm thinking there's something wrong with the inside. It's like some kind of stupid never ending cycle.

Oh, the ironies of the universe. I'm sure it would go that way. So hard to let go, though. Self-pity, and all that. Good thing I have wonderful, wonderful people like you to kick my butt back into business, or at least try. Just talking about it, at least, makes me feel a lot better than I have in a while. Least I can do is thank you for listening. :D ♥

[falterfrei.livejournal.com]

Um, okay. I have a tape set on Building Self-Esteem by Jack Canfield that I'd like to give you. Ummm.... do you have a cassette player? Otherwise I guess it would be pretty pointless, I guess.

See, the problem is that you keep focusing on what's wrong with you. The secret is to focus on what's *right* with you. When you wake up in the morning, come up with ten things that you like about yourself. Then when you can do that, come up with twenty. Or come up with ten reason you are TEH AWESOME or ten things you absolutely adore about yourself. The point is to LOVE yourself and know that you are worth loving. It's not about fixing what you think is wrong with you, its about accepting you for who you are and knowing that you are PERFECT, flaws and all. When I say perfect, I don't mean "I never need to change, ever, because I am better than everyone else and I am perfect," I mean "I am perfect just the way I am because I am just what I am supposed to be. I will change, but I will still be perfect." It doesn't mean you can't ever change anything about yourself. It just means that you are *always* perfect and there's no need to get down on yourself for any perceived flaws.