Idk my bff's on el jay?

[caithream]

Okay, so, um. I am the kind of person to COMPLETELY and entirely distance myself from my online fannish persona. My family and friends know next to NOTHING about what I do online (or, at least, I don't think they do); they don't know about LJ, or who I chat with. My family knows that I like Supernatural a lot, but I don't think they quite understand how ridiculously DEVOTED and emotionally invested I am to this screwed up family, and they obviously don't know about the WRITING I do surrounding that. To be entirely truthful, I'm not a very open person. I just can't. My mom comes to me sometimes and says, "Why do you never talk about anything to us?" and I'm like, "...?!?!" Most of the time I don't intentionally hide things, but some things just stay hidden anyway. I don't want them to know how much I am in love with my fandoms, and about all the writing, and all that. It kind of makes me sick to think about. It's... well, truth to be told, it's kind of embarrassing. I have a very, very low self-esteem, and I'm kind of always wondering what people are thinking about me, which is entirely selfish and stupid, but with that kind of ammo? An obsessive personality is not neccessarily a good thing, and thinking about what my parents already think of me now with SPN and whatnot, it would seriously just kill me to let them in about what I do even more.

So I really have to wonder if I'm the only one. I get REALLY flustered and kind of turn beet red if any of them makes a reference to SPN or something (which is rare, but, you know) because... God, I don't even know why. Kind of like this, "if they only knew" kind of thing. I'm so... I'm so concerned about what they would think of me because I am so emotionally invested. You knock what I like, you knock who I am. And then I kind of want to crawl in a hole for a few days. Or something.

The reason why I'm asking is because I just bought PLANE TICKETS for $208 (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) from Tampa to Salt Lake City to meet idril_telrunya, flusteredspeech, and falterfrei and I am SO DAMN EXCITED, but, haha, I can't stop wondering about what my PARENTS are gonna think of all this. Like I said, they know virtually nothing about what I do and who I talk to, so it's gonna be a sudden, out-of-the-blue, "I know these people online and I'm gonna fly out to meet them HOORAY!" The faces I will get, I mean seriously. So somehow I have to explain to them that I've known them for nearly five damn years, and it's not like we just sit around and shoot the shit; well, I mean, we DO, but we have, you know, *~*similar interests*~* and whatnot. And yeah. They're gonna put two and two together. And I'm kind of dying (and not in the good way) just thinking about it.

Seriously, I don't even know WHAT I'm gonna do for winchestercon. Sigh.

I kind of already let it slip to my sister that I was planning on visiting some "online friends" during the summer, and yeah. It went as I would have expected it. And really, thinking about it from her perspective, I guess it would seem pretty weird. But... she also asked why do I never TALK about these people or what I do. Again with the talking! I don't... I don't think she was as much weirded out as she was shocked to learn that I do have close online friends? Which is a step up, I guess.

So I guess my question in all this is... help what do I do.

And now that I've bared my soul, I'm gonna go, you know, crawl under that rock. :\

Comments

[caithream.livejournal.com]

that it was a haven for me, and somewhere that I could be exactly who I wanted to be without the judgment or persecution that comes from disapproving relatives.

Yes, YES. That's exactly it. I think I'm MORE of who I am online than maybe off, but really, it's so hard to tell, all these facades I put up through my life. The only time I really and truly feel relaxed is chatting with y'all, or writing some stupid entry about the boys, or something. It's my only outlet because nobody else KNOWS about how far entrenched I am with certain things, which, really, is my own fault. It's gonna be hard to rectify, but I guess it needs to be done, sooner or later.

I would have never thought meeting such an awesome group of gals as y'all and becoming so close! That's just something that I know some people will never be able to understand, but my family knows I'm dorky enough already, so they may just let this one slide too, hee.

Thank you SO much, darling! ♥!!!

[magikalrhiannon.livejournal.com]

Welcome.

[magikalrhiannon.livejournal.com]

oh oh oh and i totally forgot to add that my best friend Amber, from San Antonio TX, we met her the year after sam and i met in the chat room we used to hang out in, and she flew from TX to Australia for OUR WEDDING, and stayed with us for 10 days. And then when we were in Dallas, she came up and stayed with us for a week, and then we drove 5 hours down to San An and spent the day with her and her family and met everyone and love them oh so much. And we met her family after knowing her for like 7 years. So. Ya know. It's not... unheard of.