Idk my bff's on el jay?

[caithream]

Okay, so, um. I am the kind of person to COMPLETELY and entirely distance myself from my online fannish persona. My family and friends know next to NOTHING about what I do online (or, at least, I don't think they do); they don't know about LJ, or who I chat with. My family knows that I like Supernatural a lot, but I don't think they quite understand how ridiculously DEVOTED and emotionally invested I am to this screwed up family, and they obviously don't know about the WRITING I do surrounding that. To be entirely truthful, I'm not a very open person. I just can't. My mom comes to me sometimes and says, "Why do you never talk about anything to us?" and I'm like, "...?!?!" Most of the time I don't intentionally hide things, but some things just stay hidden anyway. I don't want them to know how much I am in love with my fandoms, and about all the writing, and all that. It kind of makes me sick to think about. It's... well, truth to be told, it's kind of embarrassing. I have a very, very low self-esteem, and I'm kind of always wondering what people are thinking about me, which is entirely selfish and stupid, but with that kind of ammo? An obsessive personality is not neccessarily a good thing, and thinking about what my parents already think of me now with SPN and whatnot, it would seriously just kill me to let them in about what I do even more.

So I really have to wonder if I'm the only one. I get REALLY flustered and kind of turn beet red if any of them makes a reference to SPN or something (which is rare, but, you know) because... God, I don't even know why. Kind of like this, "if they only knew" kind of thing. I'm so... I'm so concerned about what they would think of me because I am so emotionally invested. You knock what I like, you knock who I am. And then I kind of want to crawl in a hole for a few days. Or something.

The reason why I'm asking is because I just bought PLANE TICKETS for $208 (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) from Tampa to Salt Lake City to meet idril_telrunya, flusteredspeech, and falterfrei and I am SO DAMN EXCITED, but, haha, I can't stop wondering about what my PARENTS are gonna think of all this. Like I said, they know virtually nothing about what I do and who I talk to, so it's gonna be a sudden, out-of-the-blue, "I know these people online and I'm gonna fly out to meet them HOORAY!" The faces I will get, I mean seriously. So somehow I have to explain to them that I've known them for nearly five damn years, and it's not like we just sit around and shoot the shit; well, I mean, we DO, but we have, you know, *~*similar interests*~* and whatnot. And yeah. They're gonna put two and two together. And I'm kind of dying (and not in the good way) just thinking about it.

Seriously, I don't even know WHAT I'm gonna do for winchestercon. Sigh.

I kind of already let it slip to my sister that I was planning on visiting some "online friends" during the summer, and yeah. It went as I would have expected it. And really, thinking about it from her perspective, I guess it would seem pretty weird. But... she also asked why do I never TALK about these people or what I do. Again with the talking! I don't... I don't think she was as much weirded out as she was shocked to learn that I do have close online friends? Which is a step up, I guess.

So I guess my question in all this is... help what do I do.

And now that I've bared my soul, I'm gonna go, you know, crawl under that rock. :\

Comments

[lfg1986.livejournal.com]

Wow, I am the EXACT same. Though my parents do know that most of what I do on the computer revolves around SPN, they don't know WHAT exactly about SPN I do/read/write. I've never been this involved in a fandom before, EVER. This is my first venture into fanfic, I've written about 4 fics so far in the past year, and my parents don't know anything about it. I mean, my mom's a fairly devout Christian, and I think she'd crack if I told her I was into Wincest (and man, just having to EXPLAIN what that even IS would be a trip). In fact, they kinda thought I was crazy for going to the Fangoria convention to see Jared in Chicago (even though he ended up canceling), and they REALLY thought I was nuts for announcing that I'm flying to Vancouver in July w/ an online friend to go find the set and hopefully meet the boys. And then this whole Jensen doing A Few Good Men came up, and after much wavering, I finally said "screw it" and told my friend I'm going to Vancouver w/ that we should go, but I never told my parents. So I'm actually flying to Texas next week, and my parents will never know cause I'm too scared to tell them for fear of them sending me to the looney bin (they just happen to be out of town for the next 10 days, thank GOD, otherwise I could have never been able to pull this off). So yeah, you're definitely not alone. *hugs*

[caithream.livejournal.com]

Isn't it so weird to be afraid of what your own FAMILY thinks of you? IS THIS WHAT YOU HAVE REDUCED ME TO, INTERNETS?? I mean, there's all KINDS of freaky shit out there that would be so much weirder/awkward/insane to be in to, so really, they should be grateful, HAHA.

Seriously, it's so fantastic to hear I'm not alone on this. I thought I was one of the few who nearly peed themselves at the thought of explaing the words "fanfiction" to a rl friend or family member. GOODNESS. ♥!