Idk my bff's on el jay?

[caithream]

Okay, so, um. I am the kind of person to COMPLETELY and entirely distance myself from my online fannish persona. My family and friends know next to NOTHING about what I do online (or, at least, I don't think they do); they don't know about LJ, or who I chat with. My family knows that I like Supernatural a lot, but I don't think they quite understand how ridiculously DEVOTED and emotionally invested I am to this screwed up family, and they obviously don't know about the WRITING I do surrounding that. To be entirely truthful, I'm not a very open person. I just can't. My mom comes to me sometimes and says, "Why do you never talk about anything to us?" and I'm like, "...?!?!" Most of the time I don't intentionally hide things, but some things just stay hidden anyway. I don't want them to know how much I am in love with my fandoms, and about all the writing, and all that. It kind of makes me sick to think about. It's... well, truth to be told, it's kind of embarrassing. I have a very, very low self-esteem, and I'm kind of always wondering what people are thinking about me, which is entirely selfish and stupid, but with that kind of ammo? An obsessive personality is not neccessarily a good thing, and thinking about what my parents already think of me now with SPN and whatnot, it would seriously just kill me to let them in about what I do even more.

So I really have to wonder if I'm the only one. I get REALLY flustered and kind of turn beet red if any of them makes a reference to SPN or something (which is rare, but, you know) because... God, I don't even know why. Kind of like this, "if they only knew" kind of thing. I'm so... I'm so concerned about what they would think of me because I am so emotionally invested. You knock what I like, you knock who I am. And then I kind of want to crawl in a hole for a few days. Or something.

The reason why I'm asking is because I just bought PLANE TICKETS for $208 (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) from Tampa to Salt Lake City to meet idril_telrunya, flusteredspeech, and falterfrei and I am SO DAMN EXCITED, but, haha, I can't stop wondering about what my PARENTS are gonna think of all this. Like I said, they know virtually nothing about what I do and who I talk to, so it's gonna be a sudden, out-of-the-blue, "I know these people online and I'm gonna fly out to meet them HOORAY!" The faces I will get, I mean seriously. So somehow I have to explain to them that I've known them for nearly five damn years, and it's not like we just sit around and shoot the shit; well, I mean, we DO, but we have, you know, *~*similar interests*~* and whatnot. And yeah. They're gonna put two and two together. And I'm kind of dying (and not in the good way) just thinking about it.

Seriously, I don't even know WHAT I'm gonna do for winchestercon. Sigh.

I kind of already let it slip to my sister that I was planning on visiting some "online friends" during the summer, and yeah. It went as I would have expected it. And really, thinking about it from her perspective, I guess it would seem pretty weird. But... she also asked why do I never TALK about these people or what I do. Again with the talking! I don't... I don't think she was as much weirded out as she was shocked to learn that I do have close online friends? Which is a step up, I guess.

So I guess my question in all this is... help what do I do.

And now that I've bared my soul, I'm gonna go, you know, crawl under that rock. :\

Comments

[unperfectwolf.livejournal.com]

YOU ARE COMING TO WINCON. I WILL MAKE THEM LET YOU. *waves fingers*

Also, I used to lie. Then I stopped. Now I just mention the sam/dean porn in casual conversation. MY BROTHERS ARE FANGIRLS. THEY BROUGHT IT ON THEM SEV- Ahem. Then again, everyone at WORK knows I write porn, so *hands*

[caithream.livejournal.com]

NOT RAIN NOR WIND NOR SLEET NOR HAIL NOR WEIRDED OUT FAMILY MEMBERS SHALL KEEP ME FROM GOING. I just keep thinking about a Deep Purple karaoke. HEEEEE.

Ahaha WOW! Damn, I wish I had that kind of courage. I feel weird talking about ANY kind of my fiction writing, period, 'cause all of it's so damn personal that it kind of freaks me out if anyone knew, but... AUGH. I really need to get over this. Heh. ♥

[unperfectwolf.livejournal.com]

Awww, no. It really is a big deal, because as girls, we are not even supposed to know what porn is you know. And, I don't talk about the porn with my dad. Or near him. Ever. Because he's a right wing nut like that. But he knows I write a lot of shit and he knows that some of it involves m/m stuff, like, flulf. But.

Still, it kinda helps that when my brother was in 8th grade he was suspended from school for having porn there. So. You know. Porn!

But my mom is awesome and I sometimes think she is just nodding along, so she doesn't actually hear me talking about the boys.

But my brothers and I have actually discussed the possibility of Sam and Dean fucking, and since they BOTH brought it up first, then, well, they are now fair game in my world.

But yeah. Work was an accident, but I won't hide it. One of my betas for anything ever (last resort, usually, but she's amazing) worked with me at my last job. At this one I made a nasty joke and the kid I made it to, Josh, he was like OMGWTF and I told him yeah, us girls, we say things like that! and if not, we're thinking them. And he was like o.O? and I was like yeah. I mean, fuck, if I can write porn I can make a dirty joke and he was like OMG YOU WRITE PORN?! and I was like oops? and he was like OMG and told someone and now I think everyone knows.

So. Yeah :) I won't deny it. I'm 19 and can write and theres no reason I should be ashamed.