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Feb. 24th, 2007 09:18 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
caithreamI witnessed a moderately bad accident happen right in front of me as I was leaving work this afternoon which left me shakey and nauseous, and hell if I can't stop playing it out in my head. Added on to a series of going-ons with friends and life and change - not necessarily anything bad, but it's enough to flick on my Serious Amounts of Introspection switch - and I've just been feeling so crappy this evening.
The reason why I haven't said anything more about traveling abroad in England with the Kingston program is just... I don't think I can do it. Not this year. I want to, I want to so bad it makes my stomach hurt, but I've finally come to the realization want does not equal get, and that not all things just happen and fall together no matter how much I want them to. And that's fine. That's okay. There's always next year. I don't have the money. That's the big issue. With the conversion rates being what they are, I'd need to take over almost twice as much as I need just to get by, and I just... don't have that. And I'm not taking out a $7000 loan either. No loans until graduate school, I've already set that rule with myself.
So, I'm planning on setting aside $100 a paycheck (keep in mind I still live with my parents/have no credit card bills/electric payments etc., heh) into a fund to go next summer starting in March. If it all comes out like it should, I'll have around $3000, which, you know, awesome. So, yes, there is that.
The reason why I really wanted to go this summer instead of next is because next summer - the summer I'd be planning on going to England, also the summer before becoming a senior in college - I really wanted to take the plunge and move up to Boone, North Carolina, and go to school at Appalachian State University for my senior year and graduate school.
Why North Carolina? I'm tired of Florida, I'm sick of the heat, no mountains, and no snow. Why ASU? Honestly, I have no clue. But, I've been to Boone, once, and it was so, so gorgeous and I loved it and... and this is really interesting. Once my parents retire they want to move up to the Georgia/North Carolina area too, and when I told my dad I wanted to move to Boone, he got this thoughtful look. Funny I should pick that area, when my dad actually had a lot of relatives from there, back in the day, and used to visit them all the time there, so that place is a little more significant than I would have thought. That just kinda... kinda made me happy.
Also, with ASU, I just have that feeling, the same one when I picked out Kingston. It feels so utterly right, though for all I know I could be walking into a total crapfest. I don't know. But I'm hoping to visit the campus sometime either this summer or this fall, so maybe I'll have a better idea then. Also? The out-of-state overall expenses and tuition in whatnot is around $18,000, which, wow, is a lot better than most. It's actually $11,000 less than my current school's out-of-state, which doesn't mean anything to me, since I'm in-state, but WHATEVER. This is still awesome.
Something that's been holding me back from finally breaking free and moving out (out of state, mind) is my friends. We all grew up together; I've known some 15 years, others only 6 or 7, but we've all stuck together for a long time. Now that one of my best best friends has a girlfriend, I've been, to put it bluntly, excluded and made into the fifth wheel and etc. Maybe not on purpose, but it's pissing me off more than I'd ever let on, and as it seems, most of my other friends have been dwindling away anyway, getting married, doing God-knows-what, not picking up their phones, so really, on Friday nights it's either them or staring at the wall of my room. Every time I call them to hang out it's almost like he's forcing himself to say "okay" and go do whatever. Doing it for tradition and old time's sake, rather than just giving in to an evening with him and the girlfriend. And, well, fuck if that doesn't break my heart and simultaneously make me want to scream at him if you don't want to do this anymore than just fucking tell me. Mostly I just crawl into my hole of self-pity, where it's nice and familiar, and ignore all this and pretend everything is okie dokie. And I'll continue to do that.
But all this? It's just furthering along my want to get out of here instead of hindering it. Good timing? Good on you, life. By the time summer of '08 hits, maybe I won't feel a hint of guilt moving away. Maybe.
Of course, the best laid plans.... Who knows. It's what I have my heart set on, and daydreaming about all this stuff and keeping a tab open on ASU.edu is a lot better than moping, so. I'm not really upset, I'm just spewing thoughts. And now you know more than what even my family does at this point, hurrah. ♥
But, I have, um, This Thingy that's, at this point 12 pages and 6500 words and it seriously will not end but it's filling me with glee and etc. And I really just want it out before my Series of Midterm Papers of Doom start piling up, so come on brain! I know you can do it.
Thank God I have tomorrow off. I want to be lazy for officially forever.
The reason why I haven't said anything more about traveling abroad in England with the Kingston program is just... I don't think I can do it. Not this year. I want to, I want to so bad it makes my stomach hurt, but I've finally come to the realization want does not equal get, and that not all things just happen and fall together no matter how much I want them to. And that's fine. That's okay. There's always next year. I don't have the money. That's the big issue. With the conversion rates being what they are, I'd need to take over almost twice as much as I need just to get by, and I just... don't have that. And I'm not taking out a $7000 loan either. No loans until graduate school, I've already set that rule with myself.
So, I'm planning on setting aside $100 a paycheck (keep in mind I still live with my parents/have no credit card bills/electric payments etc., heh) into a fund to go next summer starting in March. If it all comes out like it should, I'll have around $3000, which, you know, awesome. So, yes, there is that.
The reason why I really wanted to go this summer instead of next is because next summer - the summer I'd be planning on going to England, also the summer before becoming a senior in college - I really wanted to take the plunge and move up to Boone, North Carolina, and go to school at Appalachian State University for my senior year and graduate school.
Why North Carolina? I'm tired of Florida, I'm sick of the heat, no mountains, and no snow. Why ASU? Honestly, I have no clue. But, I've been to Boone, once, and it was so, so gorgeous and I loved it and... and this is really interesting. Once my parents retire they want to move up to the Georgia/North Carolina area too, and when I told my dad I wanted to move to Boone, he got this thoughtful look. Funny I should pick that area, when my dad actually had a lot of relatives from there, back in the day, and used to visit them all the time there, so that place is a little more significant than I would have thought. That just kinda... kinda made me happy.
Also, with ASU, I just have that feeling, the same one when I picked out Kingston. It feels so utterly right, though for all I know I could be walking into a total crapfest. I don't know. But I'm hoping to visit the campus sometime either this summer or this fall, so maybe I'll have a better idea then. Also? The out-of-state overall expenses and tuition in whatnot is around $18,000, which, wow, is a lot better than most. It's actually $11,000 less than my current school's out-of-state, which doesn't mean anything to me, since I'm in-state, but WHATEVER. This is still awesome.
Something that's been holding me back from finally breaking free and moving out (out of state, mind) is my friends. We all grew up together; I've known some 15 years, others only 6 or 7, but we've all stuck together for a long time. Now that one of my best best friends has a girlfriend, I've been, to put it bluntly, excluded and made into the fifth wheel and etc. Maybe not on purpose, but it's pissing me off more than I'd ever let on, and as it seems, most of my other friends have been dwindling away anyway, getting married, doing God-knows-what, not picking up their phones, so really, on Friday nights it's either them or staring at the wall of my room. Every time I call them to hang out it's almost like he's forcing himself to say "okay" and go do whatever. Doing it for tradition and old time's sake, rather than just giving in to an evening with him and the girlfriend. And, well, fuck if that doesn't break my heart and simultaneously make me want to scream at him if you don't want to do this anymore than just fucking tell me. Mostly I just crawl into my hole of self-pity, where it's nice and familiar, and ignore all this and pretend everything is okie dokie. And I'll continue to do that.
But all this? It's just furthering along my want to get out of here instead of hindering it. Good timing? Good on you, life. By the time summer of '08 hits, maybe I won't feel a hint of guilt moving away. Maybe.
Of course, the best laid plans.... Who knows. It's what I have my heart set on, and daydreaming about all this stuff and keeping a tab open on ASU.edu is a lot better than moping, so. I'm not really upset, I'm just spewing thoughts. And now you know more than what even my family does at this point, hurrah. ♥
But, I have, um, This Thingy that's, at this point 12 pages and 6500 words and it seriously will not end but it's filling me with glee and etc. And I really just want it out before my Series of Midterm Papers of Doom start piling up, so come on brain! I know you can do it.
Thank God I have tomorrow off. I want to be lazy for officially forever.
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no subject
Date: 2007-02-25 04:24 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-26 04:43 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-25 03:25 pm (UTC)(i know how you feel. i wanted to do a global youth leaders conference, but i chose france and i still don't have a job.)
no subject
Date: 2007-02-26 04:44 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-26 01:06 pm (UTC)Boone... Anyone else see the Lost reference here?? *shakes head* Only someone in our mindset would see it. I shame myself. I see squeeage in everything.
I so know what you mean... except I bit the bullet and just left. Mind you, I couldn't stay literally and unlike you, I didn't have a family of awesomeness and a gazillion friends. Come to think of it, it wasn't anything like what you're going through. *sigh* Still, I can empathise and understand.
Still... I have this little pearl of wisdom to put out there just for the sake of saying it, and not because I think you need to hear it or anything because I don't - in fact you're probably one of the most level headed people i know when it comes to stuff like this...
Don't be a 'Grass is greener' person.
Figure out what you want, what it will take to get there and then do it. It may take longer than you want but don't rush into anything.
My flatmate is my oldest friend. We've been friends since grade 9 - that's like 13/14 years old. I'm 28 in Sept and she's 28 in March. So I'm talking half my life, which for me is fucking long considering I don't have that many friends to begin with. Anyway, she's a 'Grass is greener' person and it drives me fucking nuts. Her latest want, in an unbelieveably long list of wants and impuslive life changes, is to move to Canada. Why Canada I hear you ask? Fucked if I know. She would tell you that it's somewhere she's always wanted to go. Funny. In the 14 years I've known her, I've never once heard her mention wanting to go there - even when I was researching doing a student exchange there when we were 17. Things in her life turn to shit, she moves, runs. It's what she does. Something doesn't work out? She leaves. Work gets a little hard, she gets a new job. Meets a guy online? Moves to his state to move in with him. Two years later they break up? She moves states to move in with me! This is the second time she's lived with us. It's a lonnnnnnnnnnng list. The point is, she always thinks the grass is greener on the other side, but then she gets there and realises that it's just a different shade of shithouse that where she was, was.
So now you're thinking... uh, what's the fucking point of this drivel?
Well there is a point.... but fucked if I can remember where I put it. *sniffle* I hate being sick. My brain doesn't work right. Oh hey, here it is. My point. Don't move cuz things aren't going the way you want them to. Go because it's what you want to do for yourself. It may sound the same thing but it's really not.
Ugh, I don't think any of that made a lick of sense. Please, blame it on my medication. And the pie. No, wait, don't blame the pie. The pie was good. Just the medication. It never tastes good and is out to destroy the world. Yes, I am now delirious and probably can't spell.
Good day sir. (God now i'm channelling Fez).
no subject
Date: 2007-02-28 04:07 am (UTC)Don't be a 'Grass is greener' person.
I definitely, definitely, definitely understand what you're saying. I'm not the kind of person who takes decision-making lightly, even if I'm spending $15 on a shirt, or something, but yeah, something like this? I've been thinking about if for a while, and will continue to. I've told my mom many times, "Okay, well, what if I do this, and find that I've just made the biggest mistake of my life?" And... mother's optimism though it may be, she always tells me, "Because it won't be, because you've got a good head on your shoulders, and because you'd be doing what you want, not just a on-a-whim type of thing."
I mean... I've got two wonderfully loving parents, a good roof over my head, money, food, no bills, etc., and I have to really wonder why I want to give all that up. Well, I don't. But at the same time, this yearn for change and independence is sometimes just absolutely driving me up the wall, and I figure, if anything, by the time fall of '08 hits I'll be 21, so it's not like I'm leaving just to leave, I'm leaving because I'll be an adult, and wanting/finding independence is not only totally okay, it's encouraged. So. So! I don't know. I'm always paranoid that it'll be a "grass is greener" kind of thing, but I won't know until I try, you know?
Oh goodness. I'm sorry to dish all that out on you! But if feels so good to have someone to talk it through with. You guys are more of a lifesaver than I think you know, really. (And I hope you feel better soon omg!) ♥♥♥♥♥♥
no subject
Date: 2007-02-26 04:19 pm (UTC)ANYWAY, less about me, but you should definitely keep going for the things you want, and be okay with it if it just takes a little longer to get there. At least you're going for the adventure, you're not just sitting on your duff and waiting for things to come to you. And if things don't happen fast enough to satisfy your travel bug, I'll just come get you and we can cheap motel our way across the country. :P
no subject
Date: 2007-02-28 04:15 am (UTC)As much as I'm aching to do both things, patience is totally key, though during the wait I have to wonder if I'm doing the right thing. Doubt is usually what gets me in the end, but I'm really, really going to try to stick to this because omg TRAVEL and NEW PLACES and INDEPENDENCE weeee!
I'll just come get you and we can cheap motel our way across the country.
As long as we can rent an Impala, baby, I'm am so there. *Puts Nair in your shampoo!!1* ♥