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Feb. 24th, 2007 09:18 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
caithreamI witnessed a moderately bad accident happen right in front of me as I was leaving work this afternoon which left me shakey and nauseous, and hell if I can't stop playing it out in my head. Added on to a series of going-ons with friends and life and change - not necessarily anything bad, but it's enough to flick on my Serious Amounts of Introspection switch - and I've just been feeling so crappy this evening.
The reason why I haven't said anything more about traveling abroad in England with the Kingston program is just... I don't think I can do it. Not this year. I want to, I want to so bad it makes my stomach hurt, but I've finally come to the realization want does not equal get, and that not all things just happen and fall together no matter how much I want them to. And that's fine. That's okay. There's always next year. I don't have the money. That's the big issue. With the conversion rates being what they are, I'd need to take over almost twice as much as I need just to get by, and I just... don't have that. And I'm not taking out a $7000 loan either. No loans until graduate school, I've already set that rule with myself.
So, I'm planning on setting aside $100 a paycheck (keep in mind I still live with my parents/have no credit card bills/electric payments etc., heh) into a fund to go next summer starting in March. If it all comes out like it should, I'll have around $3000, which, you know, awesome. So, yes, there is that.
The reason why I really wanted to go this summer instead of next is because next summer - the summer I'd be planning on going to England, also the summer before becoming a senior in college - I really wanted to take the plunge and move up to Boone, North Carolina, and go to school at Appalachian State University for my senior year and graduate school.
Why North Carolina? I'm tired of Florida, I'm sick of the heat, no mountains, and no snow. Why ASU? Honestly, I have no clue. But, I've been to Boone, once, and it was so, so gorgeous and I loved it and... and this is really interesting. Once my parents retire they want to move up to the Georgia/North Carolina area too, and when I told my dad I wanted to move to Boone, he got this thoughtful look. Funny I should pick that area, when my dad actually had a lot of relatives from there, back in the day, and used to visit them all the time there, so that place is a little more significant than I would have thought. That just kinda... kinda made me happy.
Also, with ASU, I just have that feeling, the same one when I picked out Kingston. It feels so utterly right, though for all I know I could be walking into a total crapfest. I don't know. But I'm hoping to visit the campus sometime either this summer or this fall, so maybe I'll have a better idea then. Also? The out-of-state overall expenses and tuition in whatnot is around $18,000, which, wow, is a lot better than most. It's actually $11,000 less than my current school's out-of-state, which doesn't mean anything to me, since I'm in-state, but WHATEVER. This is still awesome.
Something that's been holding me back from finally breaking free and moving out (out of state, mind) is my friends. We all grew up together; I've known some 15 years, others only 6 or 7, but we've all stuck together for a long time. Now that one of my best best friends has a girlfriend, I've been, to put it bluntly, excluded and made into the fifth wheel and etc. Maybe not on purpose, but it's pissing me off more than I'd ever let on, and as it seems, most of my other friends have been dwindling away anyway, getting married, doing God-knows-what, not picking up their phones, so really, on Friday nights it's either them or staring at the wall of my room. Every time I call them to hang out it's almost like he's forcing himself to say "okay" and go do whatever. Doing it for tradition and old time's sake, rather than just giving in to an evening with him and the girlfriend. And, well, fuck if that doesn't break my heart and simultaneously make me want to scream at him if you don't want to do this anymore than just fucking tell me. Mostly I just crawl into my hole of self-pity, where it's nice and familiar, and ignore all this and pretend everything is okie dokie. And I'll continue to do that.
But all this? It's just furthering along my want to get out of here instead of hindering it. Good timing? Good on you, life. By the time summer of '08 hits, maybe I won't feel a hint of guilt moving away. Maybe.
Of course, the best laid plans.... Who knows. It's what I have my heart set on, and daydreaming about all this stuff and keeping a tab open on ASU.edu is a lot better than moping, so. I'm not really upset, I'm just spewing thoughts. And now you know more than what even my family does at this point, hurrah. ♥
But, I have, um, This Thingy that's, at this point 12 pages and 6500 words and it seriously will not end but it's filling me with glee and etc. And I really just want it out before my Series of Midterm Papers of Doom start piling up, so come on brain! I know you can do it.
Thank God I have tomorrow off. I want to be lazy for officially forever.
The reason why I haven't said anything more about traveling abroad in England with the Kingston program is just... I don't think I can do it. Not this year. I want to, I want to so bad it makes my stomach hurt, but I've finally come to the realization want does not equal get, and that not all things just happen and fall together no matter how much I want them to. And that's fine. That's okay. There's always next year. I don't have the money. That's the big issue. With the conversion rates being what they are, I'd need to take over almost twice as much as I need just to get by, and I just... don't have that. And I'm not taking out a $7000 loan either. No loans until graduate school, I've already set that rule with myself.
So, I'm planning on setting aside $100 a paycheck (keep in mind I still live with my parents/have no credit card bills/electric payments etc., heh) into a fund to go next summer starting in March. If it all comes out like it should, I'll have around $3000, which, you know, awesome. So, yes, there is that.
The reason why I really wanted to go this summer instead of next is because next summer - the summer I'd be planning on going to England, also the summer before becoming a senior in college - I really wanted to take the plunge and move up to Boone, North Carolina, and go to school at Appalachian State University for my senior year and graduate school.
Why North Carolina? I'm tired of Florida, I'm sick of the heat, no mountains, and no snow. Why ASU? Honestly, I have no clue. But, I've been to Boone, once, and it was so, so gorgeous and I loved it and... and this is really interesting. Once my parents retire they want to move up to the Georgia/North Carolina area too, and when I told my dad I wanted to move to Boone, he got this thoughtful look. Funny I should pick that area, when my dad actually had a lot of relatives from there, back in the day, and used to visit them all the time there, so that place is a little more significant than I would have thought. That just kinda... kinda made me happy.
Also, with ASU, I just have that feeling, the same one when I picked out Kingston. It feels so utterly right, though for all I know I could be walking into a total crapfest. I don't know. But I'm hoping to visit the campus sometime either this summer or this fall, so maybe I'll have a better idea then. Also? The out-of-state overall expenses and tuition in whatnot is around $18,000, which, wow, is a lot better than most. It's actually $11,000 less than my current school's out-of-state, which doesn't mean anything to me, since I'm in-state, but WHATEVER. This is still awesome.
Something that's been holding me back from finally breaking free and moving out (out of state, mind) is my friends. We all grew up together; I've known some 15 years, others only 6 or 7, but we've all stuck together for a long time. Now that one of my best best friends has a girlfriend, I've been, to put it bluntly, excluded and made into the fifth wheel and etc. Maybe not on purpose, but it's pissing me off more than I'd ever let on, and as it seems, most of my other friends have been dwindling away anyway, getting married, doing God-knows-what, not picking up their phones, so really, on Friday nights it's either them or staring at the wall of my room. Every time I call them to hang out it's almost like he's forcing himself to say "okay" and go do whatever. Doing it for tradition and old time's sake, rather than just giving in to an evening with him and the girlfriend. And, well, fuck if that doesn't break my heart and simultaneously make me want to scream at him if you don't want to do this anymore than just fucking tell me. Mostly I just crawl into my hole of self-pity, where it's nice and familiar, and ignore all this and pretend everything is okie dokie. And I'll continue to do that.
But all this? It's just furthering along my want to get out of here instead of hindering it. Good timing? Good on you, life. By the time summer of '08 hits, maybe I won't feel a hint of guilt moving away. Maybe.
Of course, the best laid plans.... Who knows. It's what I have my heart set on, and daydreaming about all this stuff and keeping a tab open on ASU.edu is a lot better than moping, so. I'm not really upset, I'm just spewing thoughts. And now you know more than what even my family does at this point, hurrah. ♥
But, I have, um, This Thingy that's, at this point 12 pages and 6500 words and it seriously will not end but it's filling me with glee and etc. And I really just want it out before my Series of Midterm Papers of Doom start piling up, so come on brain! I know you can do it.
Thank God I have tomorrow off. I want to be lazy for officially forever.
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no subject
Date: 2007-02-25 03:25 pm (UTC)(i know how you feel. i wanted to do a global youth leaders conference, but i chose france and i still don't have a job.)
no subject
Date: 2007-02-26 04:44 am (UTC)