(no subject)

[caithream]

I am so fucking pissed off.

I'm so scared.

I hate it. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. It won't stop. It just keeps on going and going and I don't know why. I'm scared, I'm tired, and I'm fucking annoyed.

My heart. It keeps on palpatating. I hate it. It doesn't hurt but I just feel so drained or something. Is there any way that you can feel yourself that you have high blood pressure? Because, I swear, I can. My heart beats a bit faster and I can sometimes literally feel the blood pumping through my veins.

And I think I have a theory on why, too.

I'm on the birth control pills for some shitty medical reason with I loathe. It states in the packet that one of the side affects is high blood pressure. My guess is that it's doing something to my heart as well. Just making it preform more. I don't know... I don't know! I have a physical coming up and I don't want to tell this to the doctor. Because if I say anything that means I'll be admitting that I have a problem and I do not have a fucking problem.

If I keep saying that to myself then maybe I won't.

If it's one thing that scares me, it's my heart. I mean, it beats always. But... what if it just stops? I hate the feeling of my own heartbeat and it freaks me out to feel others.

I sit there in my bed at night and just worry and think about everything. What if it just suddenly stops, exploads, dying, dead? I cry and throw up and can't do much else.

I just want off of these stupid, God-forsaken pills because I believe that they are the problem and no one tell me otherwise. Not even the doctor. If he does I swear I am going to have a mental breakdown. I can't take it.

It won't stop palpatating. I'm so scared and there's nothing I can do. God, please, just make it stop. I can't tell anyone, I can't. There is no problem. So scared.

I swore. I never swear.

Comments

[daliahellyes.livejournal.com]

Just remember freaking out makes it worse. My blood pressure is actually low, and you know I have the same thing. And I can feel the vibrations of the blood pumping on my left hand. That freaks the hell outta me. I'm actually thinking it's something to do with hormones...

[caithream.livejournal.com]

Honestly, it's so so nice to know someone else who is having the same problem. Misery loves company and all that jazz.

...You've had a bunch of tests, right? And they've all come out with nothing, right?

[daliahellyes.livejournal.com]

Yeah pretty much normal, except my testosteron level is a tad higher than the average. I'm thinking it's something to do with that.

[caithream.livejournal.com]

I had a blood test to see about my testosteron level as well. Came out normal, but not long after they found out the real reason and, ta dah, I'm on pills.

[hellogloworm.livejournal.com]

Sarah. calm down.

it probably is the pills. if so, then it's most likely normal. plus it's nothing to worry about. if your blood pressure gets too high, then of course that's something to worry about. but your doctor will know if you have blood pressure that high even without you telling him anything. i think the pills are making you more anxious than you normally would be. have you increased the amount you're taking recently? this has been happening for a while, i remember.

If it's not the pills, you may have an overactive thyroid, like i do. if that's the case then yeah, it could be a problem(i really need to see a doctor about mine). That runs in the family. my mom has it too. but you're right. it probably is the pills.

what i'm trying to say, is that it's nothing to worry about. i promise. this isn't going to kill you. just, nest time you have a doctor appointment, say something. ask if it's normal for your heart to be doing that. Sarah, i hate seeing you this way. and it's nothing to worry about. and i love you.

[caithream.livejournal.com]

Not trying to sound justifiable here, but when it's been happening a lot for a long while now you start to go slightly irrational not to mention worried. I mean, you know me.

I'm feeling a bit better anyway. I spilled it all out to my mum and she says it sounds like high blood pressure anyway... she had her's high last year and... yeah.

Hm. Ignorance abounds... what is and overactive thyroid? I didn't know you had a problem.

Anyway, thanks. Had a bit of a psycho moment, really. I love you terribly. *Hugs*

[hellogloworm.livejournal.com]

yeah..i guess to respond to the first part of your reponse, i need to respond to the second part first.

overactive thyroid. yeah...basicly it makes your heart do weird beating things. i'll be sitting there and class and suddenly i'll be grabbing my chest because my heart feels like it's trying to escape it's rib prison. it's been like this for a couple years or so. i don't mention it much unless someone asks what's wrong with me. yeah. so..i kinda know how you feel.

and yeah..i know how you are. and i'm saying stop worrying about it. i can understand why you worry. but, you need to stop. or at least try to stop. cause you're fine. <3

[caithream.livejournal.com]

Oh, geez. See, I wish I wasn't so paranoid like you because if something like that would happen I'd definately think I'd be having a heart attack every time.

Worry worry worry. That, m'dear, is my middle name. But I really try to work at it, I do. Honestly, if I do this again, give me a good slap in the face, would ya'? I need you around more often. :D <3<3<3

[hellogloworm.livejournal.com]

it's cause i know what it is! and i really really want you around too. i miss you!!!

[starshineblue.livejournal.com]

Poor Sarah! Shall I come and whisk you away to Shands? They're quite good at what they do. Or perhaps I shall just worry with you. Fret fret fret.

[caithream.livejournal.com]

Hee hee! Hell, just take me. We'll have a road trip and go up to Jacksonville and visit Lilith. :D