(no subject)

[caithream]

I am so fucking pissed off.

I'm so scared.

I hate it. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. It won't stop. It just keeps on going and going and I don't know why. I'm scared, I'm tired, and I'm fucking annoyed.

My heart. It keeps on palpatating. I hate it. It doesn't hurt but I just feel so drained or something. Is there any way that you can feel yourself that you have high blood pressure? Because, I swear, I can. My heart beats a bit faster and I can sometimes literally feel the blood pumping through my veins.

And I think I have a theory on why, too.

I'm on the birth control pills for some shitty medical reason with I loathe. It states in the packet that one of the side affects is high blood pressure. My guess is that it's doing something to my heart as well. Just making it preform more. I don't know... I don't know! I have a physical coming up and I don't want to tell this to the doctor. Because if I say anything that means I'll be admitting that I have a problem and I do not have a fucking problem.

If I keep saying that to myself then maybe I won't.

If it's one thing that scares me, it's my heart. I mean, it beats always. But... what if it just stops? I hate the feeling of my own heartbeat and it freaks me out to feel others.

I sit there in my bed at night and just worry and think about everything. What if it just suddenly stops, exploads, dying, dead? I cry and throw up and can't do much else.

I just want off of these stupid, God-forsaken pills because I believe that they are the problem and no one tell me otherwise. Not even the doctor. If he does I swear I am going to have a mental breakdown. I can't take it.

It won't stop palpatating. I'm so scared and there's nothing I can do. God, please, just make it stop. I can't tell anyone, I can't. There is no problem. So scared.

I swore. I never swear.

Comments

[daliahellyes.livejournal.com]

Yeah pretty much normal, except my testosteron level is a tad higher than the average. I'm thinking it's something to do with that.

[caithream.livejournal.com]

I had a blood test to see about my testosteron level as well. Came out normal, but not long after they found out the real reason and, ta dah, I'm on pills.