Idk my bff's on el jay?

[caithream]

Okay, so, um. I am the kind of person to COMPLETELY and entirely distance myself from my online fannish persona. My family and friends know next to NOTHING about what I do online (or, at least, I don't think they do); they don't know about LJ, or who I chat with. My family knows that I like Supernatural a lot, but I don't think they quite understand how ridiculously DEVOTED and emotionally invested I am to this screwed up family, and they obviously don't know about the WRITING I do surrounding that. To be entirely truthful, I'm not a very open person. I just can't. My mom comes to me sometimes and says, "Why do you never talk about anything to us?" and I'm like, "...?!?!" Most of the time I don't intentionally hide things, but some things just stay hidden anyway. I don't want them to know how much I am in love with my fandoms, and about all the writing, and all that. It kind of makes me sick to think about. It's... well, truth to be told, it's kind of embarrassing. I have a very, very low self-esteem, and I'm kind of always wondering what people are thinking about me, which is entirely selfish and stupid, but with that kind of ammo? An obsessive personality is not neccessarily a good thing, and thinking about what my parents already think of me now with SPN and whatnot, it would seriously just kill me to let them in about what I do even more.

So I really have to wonder if I'm the only one. I get REALLY flustered and kind of turn beet red if any of them makes a reference to SPN or something (which is rare, but, you know) because... God, I don't even know why. Kind of like this, "if they only knew" kind of thing. I'm so... I'm so concerned about what they would think of me because I am so emotionally invested. You knock what I like, you knock who I am. And then I kind of want to crawl in a hole for a few days. Or something.

The reason why I'm asking is because I just bought PLANE TICKETS for $208 (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) from Tampa to Salt Lake City to meet idril_telrunya, flusteredspeech, and falterfrei and I am SO DAMN EXCITED, but, haha, I can't stop wondering about what my PARENTS are gonna think of all this. Like I said, they know virtually nothing about what I do and who I talk to, so it's gonna be a sudden, out-of-the-blue, "I know these people online and I'm gonna fly out to meet them HOORAY!" The faces I will get, I mean seriously. So somehow I have to explain to them that I've known them for nearly five damn years, and it's not like we just sit around and shoot the shit; well, I mean, we DO, but we have, you know, *~*similar interests*~* and whatnot. And yeah. They're gonna put two and two together. And I'm kind of dying (and not in the good way) just thinking about it.

Seriously, I don't even know WHAT I'm gonna do for winchestercon. Sigh.

I kind of already let it slip to my sister that I was planning on visiting some "online friends" during the summer, and yeah. It went as I would have expected it. And really, thinking about it from her perspective, I guess it would seem pretty weird. But... she also asked why do I never TALK about these people or what I do. Again with the talking! I don't... I don't think she was as much weirded out as she was shocked to learn that I do have close online friends? Which is a step up, I guess.

So I guess my question in all this is... help what do I do.

And now that I've bared my soul, I'm gonna go, you know, crawl under that rock. :\

Comments

[kroki-refur.livejournal.com]

OK, so, I did the same thing for a long time. Then last Christmas, I said fuck it. Fandom is a major part of my life, and I'm not going to pretend it isn't. I told my family that I wrote fanfic, and since then I've been pretty much open about it, and honestly? No-one's really cared, and those that have have generally thought it was cool. Think about it -- if you were into stamp-collecting, you wouldn't pretend not to be, right? You don't have to tell your family everything, but I do think you'll find if you are a little bit more open, it will actually be less difficult for you.

Of course, I don't know your family, and I know how rough it is being shy and having low self-esteem. Thing is, seems to me that hiding stuff you're into because you're ashamed of what people will think will only contribute to lowering your self-esteem further.

It sounds to me like your sister and mum and so on would just like to know more about what makes you tick. My dad was really pleased to learn about fanfic, because it meant he felt closer to me and understood more about my life. He was interested (if a little surprised), not put off or whatever. Your family loves you, they want to know about you.

OK, wow, watch me go with my completely uninformed Lifetime-movie pop psychology O_o. Disclaimer: I know nothing. (There, that should cover my ass, right?)

[caithream.livejournal.com]

It is such a large part of my life as well, and I know they wonder what I do, and wow, I wish I had your courage, hee. My family's very loving and supporting, and geez, it's not like I'm joining the army or something, but this is so much a part of me, of who I am, that I'm afraid of, I dunno, even being looked at funny. But really... my dad's pretty enthusiastic about all these sci-fi shows he watches and my mom and sister hardly bat an eye, so... maybe I'm just overreating.

But seriously, y'all have given me a lot of confidence on this, so, seriously, THANK YOU. ♥!!!