Thinky face.

[caithream]

So, okay.

I know I had decided to go to Kingston for the summer study abroad, and when I went to my school's study abroad helpdesk area, the advice I got was go with USF. Well, duh. That's what they're supposed to say, right? Even though at the beginning when I asked if I could discuss with them going abroad with another program besides USF's, they were totally okay with it, saying they do that all the time. But then I got pushed by another advisor to go to Cambridge, and he loaded me up with reading material and whatnot, while I was so sure I had decided on going to Kingston, not with USF. So I came home, and thought about it, and thought about it some more, discussed it with my mom, and she said, yeah, go with USF. I didn't really come out and tell her that I had my heart set on Kingston, and all she really knows is that I really want to go, somewhere, anywhere.

But, the subject of money came up. Lots and lots of money. As always. Like I said before, USF's program is $4200, not including airfare, books, tuition, and a travel pass. Kingston's is $3800, with tuition and a one month travel pass to the London underground, excluding airfare and books. I would have to pay USF a fee of about $300-$500 for academic overseeing and direction of my paperwork and whatnot, which, you know, is fine. The other reason my USF advisor stressed for me to go to the Cambridge program is because of the reassurance of paperwork getting done and going where it needs to go on time. With Kingston's program, he said, there could be a pretty high risk of lost/late paperwork, etc., so, really, you're better off with us.

Yeah, well... I understand that, but on Kingston's website there are a lot of verbal reassurances that this program is excellent, and very professional, and, I don't know, sure it may happen, but I'm really willing to take that risk.

For a little bit I was swayed back into going with USF because of the afore mentioned reasons, but then, up until today, I just felt really unhappy and upset with it. I don't know why! It's my home turf, everything is all set up, it's Cambridge for God's sake.

But... but...

It doesn't feel right. I can't explain it other than that. I've been looking into Kingston for a while now, and everytime I think about it I get a little thrill of excitement. With Cambridge I just feel... burdened. Which is weird, and I sure as hell don't understand it, but I've gone with my gut before - with going to USF, with declaring to be an English major, to be in the job I'm in - and I haven't been wrong yet. Of course, this could be the stupidest decision I've ever made, etc., but quite honestly? I'm willing to take that chance.

As for money. We aren't poor, but neither do we have $3800 plus $1000 airfare to ship me off to England. I have close to $2000 in my bank account right now, plus tax returns coming, plus when school lets out at the end up April, I can step up my hours at work and get at least another $1400 before I leave. My parents can help me out a little bit, but not much. There is a scholarship with Kingston, but they only award it out to two people.

Now. I am very much the kind of person to think five steps ahead of what I'm doing now. Everything I do, every decision I make, I take a loooong time weighing out the pros and cons and angsting and going like, "OH GOD SHOULD I GET THIS $15 SHIRT??" I can't help it. It's the way I was wired. So when it comes to something like this? Money is a very big issue. My parents don't want me to get a loan. I don't want to get a loan. It'll be a bitch to pay off, even if it's just $2500, or something like that. But the way I see it? I would so, so much rather have that loan to pay off than sit at home this summer, rich, but thinking every single day that I could be in England right now. And I am so tired of thinking of consequences. I just want to do, and not worry about the repercussions. I've been doing the latter all my life, and I'm just tired of it. And if this is the one thing where I can do that? Yes. Yes please. It's kind of killing me.

So this is what I'm going to do. I'm going to fill out Kingston's application and send it in and wait. If I get in, then I'll worry about the money, taking out a loan or not. If I don't, I'm going to set aside a fund for next summer to go with USF's program.

Pretty much? This is all to reassure myself. I'm not telling my parents just yet. I want to do this on my own, and I want it to be my decision. I hate to say it, but I'm the kind of person who crumbles if their ideas get squashed, or whatever. It's all very sad, really.

I cannot believe how much homework I have, and it's only the second week of the semester. Welcome to higher education, says Sam, but he forgot the have fun drowning in it! part. :(

And then there is this, and quite frankly, I just don't know what to do anymore. THE CRINKLES OKAY? Ngah.

Comments

[skygazing.livejournal.com]

I'm a lot like you in that I'm really think-ahead-and-of-the-consequences and needing affirmation for my decisions. I'm not a big fan of loans either, but I'm pretty determined to travel a little, and when else am I going to have the opportunity if I end up getting married/having kids. :-P

Good luck with your Kingston app and working things out with your fam. I hope everything works out even better than you plan :)

[caithream.livejournal.com]

and when else am I going to have the opportunity if I end up getting married/having kids.

Yes! There is that, too, hee. I'm going to be a junior next year, which scares the crap out of me, and I want to do this now so I can focus on moving out to another college out of state during senior year/graduate school.

Thank you so so much. ♥!!

[desertgoddess.livejournal.com]

Pretty much? This is all to reassure myself. I'm not telling my parents just yet. I want to do this on my own, and I want it to be my decision. I hate to say it, but I'm the kind of person who crumbles if their ideas get squashed, or whatever.

I am the same way.
I say your plan is a good one, you just get through one step at a time.

Money is no one's friend. However, I think you will be okay. You are not irresponsible when it comes to things like this, you know what you are doing.

Good Luck!

[caithream.livejournal.com]

One step at a time is my motto right now. Otherwise I'd end up just going insane, heh. Thank you, babe! ♥

[xprincessbloomx.livejournal.com]

I think you're making a good choice. You're going with what you want the most and that's so important! It's better to do it than to regret not doing it later :) I really wish you all the luck in the world and am crossing my fingers for you about Kingston! ♥

[caithream.livejournal.com]

Gah, you guys are too good to me! Thank you so much for the reassurance! ♥♥

[random-serious.livejournal.com]

And I am so tired of thinking of consequences. I just want to do, and not worry about the repercussions.

It's natural: being safety oriented can become a bit too much sometimes, and make one feel like missing out on life...

I hate to say it, but I'm the kind of person who crumbles if their ideas get squashed, or whatever.

Hey, it's a long and hard learning process to get out of that mindset (I'm still there) so... I get you, but we should really try and make a conscious effort to learn to say "no" and go with our decisions.

Good luck with Kingston! Without knowing about the academic differences, it sounds to me that you've made a good choice. (There is always next year, you're right, for USF.)

[caithream.livejournal.com]

My family has a history of being non-risk-takers, and quite frankly, I was tired of it. Which is why I went skydiving last November, hee! And, you're right, I feel like if I don't, I'll be missing out on life.

Thank you so much for your support! ♥

[falterfrei.livejournal.com]

Always trust your gut! Its the best way to follow your heart. Heh; I wish I had taken advantage of my school's study abroad programs when I had the chance. Ah, well... you'll have to have fun for the both of us. :P

[caithream.livejournal.com]

*Packs you in suitcase!*

The amount of advice and well-wishing you guys give me, it's crazy. Thank you, darling! ♥

[la-victorienne.livejournal.com]

go with your heart, sweetie. i'm going to france for ten days this summer, and my monetary situation is much the same on a smaller scale, and i've still decided to go even though i could do other stuff for free. because it's what i need.

and if this is what you need, then go for it.

(also, BE KEELT TONITE. :D)

[caithream.livejournal.com]

because it's what i need.

Exactly. And somehow, that's all the reason it takes. Thank you, babeh! ♥

(Alkjsdflasjd when I looked at your icon my stomach honest to God FLIPPED. Whyyyyy is he so pretty?! WHY MUST IT NOT BE 9:00 YET?)

[flusteredspeech.livejournal.com]

Do what feels right, and do what you think will make you happy, but definitely do it. Trust me, sugar, speaking from experience here, it may freak you out for a while, but you'll never regret it, and this is the perfect time to be a little spontaneous. I spent nigh on half my university career outside the country, and it wasn't something I had planned on when I first started the college gig, but I wouldn't trade my experiences for the world. I know you'll figure it out. ♥

HI JENSEN WHY DO YOU REFUSE TO BE ON MY TV? *SADFACE*

[caithream.livejournal.com]

I am trying to be very calm and adulty about all this! But really, it makes me nervous to the core, but I'm just trying to ignore all that and focus on the good stuff. Seriously, you are my hero omg for doing all that. I can only hope that I'll be able to do so too. ♥!!

JENSEN IS ALSO SADFACE THAT HE CANNOT BE ON YOUR TEE VEE. He should go beat up all the companies that don't broadcast the CW and it would be very MANLY and I would SWOON.