(no subject)
Jun. 8th, 2003 03:32 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
caithreamOkay.
[Begin childish rant/whining/semi-depressedness]
The one reason why I don't like going to church is because I have to dress up. I hate getting dressed up. I am overly and extremely critical of myself because of past events and everything I do just isn't good enough. I'm still too fat. Loosing 30 lbs just isn't good enough. Granted, I do have broad shoulders and a not-so-very small chest but still. I hate it. I feel like I'll never be pretty enough, never be thin enough, never be good enough. I just can't comprehend how people can be so secure about themselves and their bodies. It's totally beyond me. Why is my sister so skinny and not me? Except for that damn disease I should be fine. But I'm not. My metabolism is too damn slow. I don't think I could ever drop below 120. This just plain sucks.
Second thing. At the sleepover we were discussing things. Sara is moving to a city next to Orlando. Why? Her dad is the principal of our school. My friends had had speculations that were almost fact that the church board didn't resign his contract for next year. We asked Sara about it. She looked like she really didn't want to talk about it but did anyway. She said that one day Pastor Jack (the associate pastor of my church) came into her dad's office and said things like, "Look, I really don't want you to leave. I think you're doing a great job and I don't want you to leave." So that night they had an elder's meeting with her dad included. What she said, they basically all ridiculed him and told him what a sucky job he was doing. Pastor Jack and my youth pastor Spencer included. She said her dad was really hurt and upset about it all so he just left before they could fire him. This really hurt me. I really look up to Pastor Jack and I honestly cannot picture him doing anything like that. I don't want to believe it. And I don't think I will unless I get further evidence otherwise. It all quite disturbs me.
My mom just had her last chemo treatment on Friday. She's done. No more. I am so proud of her. The hell that she's gone through is finally over. Albeit she does feel crappy right now but hopefully that will pass soon. Next she has radiation but that's nothing compaired to the chemo. I honestly don't think I could go through what she's done. I mean, she had blood test almost every week for gosh sakes! Three out of the four times I've had blood tests I've passed out or come majorly close to it. And that's just blood tests. I love her so much. I hope she never has to go through this again. Now, grow some hair, woman!
Last but not least. I am absolutely loathing to go back to the driving class tomorrow. I mean, it's like agonizing. The stupid thing is so long and boring and nervewracking. How the heck am I supposed to last 6 more days? Geez. I so wish it was over right now. Six days seems so awfully long from now... *Bawls*
[/childish rant/whining/semi-depressedness]
So when I got home from church this afternoon I was feeling very crappy. Very upset. I look at my email. Deborah sent me this email and all it said in it was "I LOVE YOU!!! - Debs". I was so wracked I started crying. I love her so much. I mean, that just made a world of difference for me.
WOO HOO! I just bought Photoshop 4.0 for $25.80 on Ebay! The guy said the retail price was $160. Oh, hoot. I rocketh. We took that piece-o-crap Print Shop back to Sams today. I'm about 85% sure that this will work. Eee. I hope so.
You are the Dead Parrot Sketch. Very funny, a bit
dark and definitely a classic.
Which Monty Python's Flying Circus Sketch are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
Which Agent Smith are you?
By Madeline Elster
Heh. Neato.
Edit: I changed my comment link to match the Monty Python sketch. Heh heh heh. Because I felt like it.
[Begin childish rant/whining/semi-depressedness]
The one reason why I don't like going to church is because I have to dress up. I hate getting dressed up. I am overly and extremely critical of myself because of past events and everything I do just isn't good enough. I'm still too fat. Loosing 30 lbs just isn't good enough. Granted, I do have broad shoulders and a not-so-very small chest but still. I hate it. I feel like I'll never be pretty enough, never be thin enough, never be good enough. I just can't comprehend how people can be so secure about themselves and their bodies. It's totally beyond me. Why is my sister so skinny and not me? Except for that damn disease I should be fine. But I'm not. My metabolism is too damn slow. I don't think I could ever drop below 120. This just plain sucks.
Second thing. At the sleepover we were discussing things. Sara is moving to a city next to Orlando. Why? Her dad is the principal of our school. My friends had had speculations that were almost fact that the church board didn't resign his contract for next year. We asked Sara about it. She looked like she really didn't want to talk about it but did anyway. She said that one day Pastor Jack (the associate pastor of my church) came into her dad's office and said things like, "Look, I really don't want you to leave. I think you're doing a great job and I don't want you to leave." So that night they had an elder's meeting with her dad included. What she said, they basically all ridiculed him and told him what a sucky job he was doing. Pastor Jack and my youth pastor Spencer included. She said her dad was really hurt and upset about it all so he just left before they could fire him. This really hurt me. I really look up to Pastor Jack and I honestly cannot picture him doing anything like that. I don't want to believe it. And I don't think I will unless I get further evidence otherwise. It all quite disturbs me.
My mom just had her last chemo treatment on Friday. She's done. No more. I am so proud of her. The hell that she's gone through is finally over. Albeit she does feel crappy right now but hopefully that will pass soon. Next she has radiation but that's nothing compaired to the chemo. I honestly don't think I could go through what she's done. I mean, she had blood test almost every week for gosh sakes! Three out of the four times I've had blood tests I've passed out or come majorly close to it. And that's just blood tests. I love her so much. I hope she never has to go through this again. Now, grow some hair, woman!
Last but not least. I am absolutely loathing to go back to the driving class tomorrow. I mean, it's like agonizing. The stupid thing is so long and boring and nervewracking. How the heck am I supposed to last 6 more days? Geez. I so wish it was over right now. Six days seems so awfully long from now... *Bawls*
[/childish rant/whining/semi-depressedness]
So when I got home from church this afternoon I was feeling very crappy. Very upset. I look at my email. Deborah sent me this email and all it said in it was "I LOVE YOU!!! - Debs". I was so wracked I started crying. I love her so much. I mean, that just made a world of difference for me.
WOO HOO! I just bought Photoshop 4.0 for $25.80 on Ebay! The guy said the retail price was $160. Oh, hoot. I rocketh. We took that piece-o-crap Print Shop back to Sams today. I'm about 85% sure that this will work. Eee. I hope so.
You are the Dead Parrot Sketch. Very funny, a bit
dark and definitely a classic.
Which Monty Python's Flying Circus Sketch are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
Which Agent Smith are you?
By Madeline Elster
Heh. Neato.
Edit: I changed my comment link to match the Monty Python sketch. Heh heh heh. Because I felt like it.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2003-06-11 12:37 am (UTC)We all have those days. Somehow, despite the fact that I have more than enough flaws, I've managed to convince myself that what I've got is good and that's how I'm going to look at things. It took a while though. Just give it some time. Things will look beautiful again soon.
no subject
Date: 2003-06-11 12:45 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-06-11 01:01 pm (UTC)Anything for you, lovey.